This is Not a Test

"You're a big girl now, Monkey. You're going to the potty. You can put on your own socks. You can put on your own shoes, sometimes. You can almost put your shirt on. . ."
"When do I get to be small again?"

And that's when I felt the knot in my throat and my eyes start to well up. I hugged her and closed the door, breathing deeply as I made my way around the car to the driver's seat. The thing is, I don't know if it's just getting older, parenthood, or both, but my own mortality has been on my mind lately in a way that it never was before. I never felt like I'd live forever, but I was also never afraid of the end. But lately, well, it's been on my mind. Her realization that time moves only in one direction really drove that home for me this morning. So, in order to not melt into a blubbering mess, I decided to play a song that always makes me happy. Except, it kind of backfired (but not really).

                         

Although the melody is joyous and the harmonies are beautiful, I never paid a whole lot of attention to the lyrics until this morning. It's not directly related to realizing one's mortality, but it is about not worrying about measuring up to some standard in life. It's about how the biggest successes are the same as the smallest accomplishments and how life is "not a test." So, in a way, it kind of does relate. That made me emotional but it also reminded me that it's important to appreciate the beauty of every small moment in life rather than spending life worrying about what happens when time runs out. Now, this song will always be a reminder of that. So, this morning, when I said she was a big girl, her question/answer was basically telling me she's even bigger than I thought. And that's a beautiful thing.